Saturday, June 29, 2013

I Hope Perfectionism Falls Down the Stairs And Gets Gout

Perfectionism is the enemy, as I pointed out in my First Blog Ever:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a sh**ty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Well - sigh - it turns out that I am even more scared of not doing things perfectly than I thought I was, because it's already...
all the things...
is it that I...
[WARNING: VERY LITTLE CORRECT PUNCTUATION TO FOLLOW; ALSO, TREMENDOUSLY LONG RUN-ON WANDERING JAMES-JOYCE-MEETS-E-E-CUMMINGS STUFF FOLLOWS]
dammit got in front of the screen and now can't think of earlier thoughts - why don't I have a better memory?
may thus be making this blog private or semi-private or something to that effect
see i feel hesitant sometimes re: posting pontification / journal entry type stuff; don't want to sound self-involved -- have been advised that... or not advised exactly...it's just that you see SO may negative comments on things you see on the web, anywhere (trolls, etc). one tries to be clever on fb which translates most often into being scathingly witty -- but then if you think about putting yourself out there to be scathed, well........
So I was originally going to do a carefully balanced blog (representative of my scattered nature): sometimes frippery, other times making a point (but never being dull or self-indulgent gods forbid), and some times a list, or here or there a poem - I could see it all in my minds eye; however i have a long history of thinking "i see it in my mind's eye wait a minute the reality isn't looking like my mind's eye aw never mind" however in this case that will simply result in more ruttin' paper cluttering up our condo when I have already have QUITE ENOUGH PAPER already, thank you! (i means i'm not a candidate for Hoarders yet, but there is at least one room of this condo that begs to differ......)  Thus the need to keep my diary on screen -- see, I write not really to show anyone but more as therapy. i mean, I do think i'm a good poet and i will show people my poetry usually but for a long time now the only way to try to sort out how i really feel when i am frustrated and flummoxed is to write it out - spill it all out onto the page and then try to make sense of it.  Unfortunately, when actual paper is used, you have to physically keep track of the paper, and i am hideously disorganized.
Anyway, it occurred to me that I get enthused about a project or idea or way of living or new personal fad, then it turns out to be harder or take longer or just not turn out to be what i expect so i quit and say never mind - or something overwhelms me and i literally hide in bed or at least avoid - I am very good at mental/emotional dodgeball and it's not good for me.
One of the biggest things that sends me running is stuff along the lines of politics/injustice - such a big messy tangle of things like tons of cat hair trapping dust in loose nests connected by long human hairs and some lint - cat owners can picture it well - JEEZ. Anyway, reading about prison unfairness links to corruption and racism and poverty and selfishness and they link to discrimination and genital mutilation and sexism and repression and it just goes on and on and on......and i get so often torn between wanting to fix it and feeling like i just can't stand to draw another breath if i have to keep facing the awfulness of it looming, so i run and hide & am therefore totally unhelpful in fixing said problem.

P.S. interesting: this spell checker just flagged "pontification" but entirely missed "excpecte" (I type haphazardly when I am trying to type fast). Hmmm.

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